Farewell to 2008!
It is 0650 EST. You might be wondering why I am up so early. Or rather, why I stayed up so late. Today, Évariste and I are welcoming in 2009 around the world... in consciousness. That's right, from 0700 EST, 31 Dec 2008 to 0700 EST, 1st Jan 2009, starting from the International Date Line and moving west back around to the International Date Line again. Yes, I am that eager for 2008 to be over and for 2009 to begin.
Amis, unis par cette chaîne
Autour du même feu
Amis, unis par cette chaîne
Ne faisons pas d'adieux.
Car l'idéal qui nous rassemble
Vivra dans l'avenir
Car l'idéal qui nous rassemble
Saura nous réunir.
Friends, united by this chain
Around the same fire
Friends, united by this chain
Let us not say farewell.
For the ideal that brings us together
Will live in the future
For the ideal that brings us together
Will know how to reunite us.
Happy New Year!
31 December 2008
24 December 2008
Comment faire? Que penser?
So I went to visit my high school (Thomas Jefferson HS for Science and Tech) yesterday (23 Dec). I had actually just visited last Friday (19 Dec)—that time, I went inside the Computer Systems Lab, where Perscheux likes to loiter during eighth period. I didn't see him, however, and if he saw me, he ignored me. So I expected something similar to happen for my second visit.
I signed into the main office, stumbled upon an old friend, and as I stepped outside the office and said good-bye to him, who else should happen to be walking in the opposite direction but Perscheux d'Herbinville.
I ignored him, walking past with an air of "haha, I'm in college now, and I no longer have to deal with all the crap you have to deal with—what's more, I don't have to deal with you anymore" (or so I imagined). I expected him to do the same, that is, walk past me with an air of "I don't have to deal with you anymore"—or simply not recognise me altogether, falsely or genuinely. Instead, he did this dramatic double-take in the middle of the hallway, which looked very contrived. I didn't know what to make of that, but I wasn't concerned.
So I had a lively conversation in three languages with my former chemistry teacher. Five minutes into the conversation, I noticed that Perscheux was standing in the doorway. What could he possibly want from me? Ten minutes later, I noticed that he was no longer standing by the door. Good, maybe he gave up. But no, now he was behind me.
I bade my chemistry teacher farewell and walked out the door, with Perscheux on my heels. The conversation went something like this:
"Stéphanie-Felice."
"What?"
"I heard that you found someone else."
"Well?"
"Well in that case, I was wondering if I could have my ring back."
Ah yes, the ring. You see, he had given me a ring, that to the best of my descriptive abilities consists of 2 carats amethyst, 0.1 carat diamond, and an unquantifiable amount of 14 kt gold (due to my lack of a precise analytical balance). It cost approximately $275.
I said nothing. We approached junior lounge.
"If you just give it back, I'll stop bothering you. I'll be out of your life forever, I promise."
"And if I don't?"
"Then I'll keep bothering you."
"How?"
"I... have my ways."
We went up the stairs to sophomore hall.
"So can I have it back?"
"Why don't you take it to court?"
"What court?"
"A court. There are lots of them, you know. Or you could look in some pawn shops."
"I see. Well, I don't think I'll take it to court, because I don't care that much. I just wanted to know if you were in it just for the profit... I guess you were."
I said nothing. I turned left into freshman hall, heading towards my old German classroom.
"Well, I really have to go and get my stuff. I wish you the best of luck with Mr Integral."
Mr Integral. I pulled off the best cold laugh I could before peering inside the empty and locked German classroom.
But I chewed over what Perscheux had said for the rest of the day. Now I don't really care what he thinks, but I couldn't help asking myself: Did I lie? Is this morally wrong? And what is he capable of doing to me?
You see, there are two details that I did not tell him. Firstly, I had not actually sold the ring to a pawn shop. It is in its original box in my room at this very moment. I have not legally promised it to anyone else. As I see it, however, the ring is effectively no longer mine to do with as I please; it has been that way since the commencement of the Plan. Secondly, I did not tell Perscheux what I planned to do with the ring. Well yes, I wanted to sell it, to a pawn shop or elsewhere, but what then? I did not tell him about the Plan, and naturally, I cannot describe the Plan here, because it involves Évariste.
It is true that I am selling the ring (and many other things he gave me) for a "profit"—relative to my not having received the ring at all, that is. However, Perscheux was wrong in that I am not keeping the profits for myself. In the end, in fact, he might actually reap a very small indirect benefit from the profits, a type of benefit that he would not be able to obtain from simply having a ring or however much money he would get for it. (Admittedly, the magnitude of this indirect benefit that I will reap will be greater, but not by much.)
Furthermore, I did not enter into a relationship with Perscheux with the objective of obtaining this profit, as much as he did not enter into a relationship with me with the objective of obtaining help with his AP US History grade. We both invested what we chose to invest and lost what we were bound to lose when the relationship ended. Should I therefore stalk him down and ask for my presents for him back? For my hundreds of hours of wasted effort? For a revocation of his 4.03 junior year GPA that was largely my doing?
So no, I believe I did not lie, and that I am not making a moral error here. Feel free to suggest otherwise, however. And as far as what Perscheux can do to me? We'll see. Ce qui sera, sera.
In fact, this is all about the Plan. I have wanted to get rid of the ring ever since I dumped Perscheux, and if he had asked for it back before I came up with the Plan, I probably would have given it to him. But now I have a better use for that ring.
I have a new goal now, a worthy one. And if Perscheux wants to interpret it as profiteering, then why doesn't he go pick a fight—or a duel—with a windmill?
Ainsi soit-il.
I signed into the main office, stumbled upon an old friend, and as I stepped outside the office and said good-bye to him, who else should happen to be walking in the opposite direction but Perscheux d'Herbinville.
I ignored him, walking past with an air of "haha, I'm in college now, and I no longer have to deal with all the crap you have to deal with—what's more, I don't have to deal with you anymore" (or so I imagined). I expected him to do the same, that is, walk past me with an air of "I don't have to deal with you anymore"—or simply not recognise me altogether, falsely or genuinely. Instead, he did this dramatic double-take in the middle of the hallway, which looked very contrived. I didn't know what to make of that, but I wasn't concerned.
So I had a lively conversation in three languages with my former chemistry teacher. Five minutes into the conversation, I noticed that Perscheux was standing in the doorway. What could he possibly want from me? Ten minutes later, I noticed that he was no longer standing by the door. Good, maybe he gave up. But no, now he was behind me.
I bade my chemistry teacher farewell and walked out the door, with Perscheux on my heels. The conversation went something like this:
"Stéphanie-Felice."
"What?"
"I heard that you found someone else."
"Well?"
"Well in that case, I was wondering if I could have my ring back."
Ah yes, the ring. You see, he had given me a ring, that to the best of my descriptive abilities consists of 2 carats amethyst, 0.1 carat diamond, and an unquantifiable amount of 14 kt gold (due to my lack of a precise analytical balance). It cost approximately $275.
I said nothing. We approached junior lounge.
"If you just give it back, I'll stop bothering you. I'll be out of your life forever, I promise."
"And if I don't?"
"Then I'll keep bothering you."
"How?"
"I... have my ways."
We went up the stairs to sophomore hall.
"So can I have it back?"
"Why don't you take it to court?"
"What court?"
"A court. There are lots of them, you know. Or you could look in some pawn shops."
"I see. Well, I don't think I'll take it to court, because I don't care that much. I just wanted to know if you were in it just for the profit... I guess you were."
I said nothing. I turned left into freshman hall, heading towards my old German classroom.
"Well, I really have to go and get my stuff. I wish you the best of luck with Mr Integral."
Mr Integral. I pulled off the best cold laugh I could before peering inside the empty and locked German classroom.
But I chewed over what Perscheux had said for the rest of the day. Now I don't really care what he thinks, but I couldn't help asking myself: Did I lie? Is this morally wrong? And what is he capable of doing to me?
You see, there are two details that I did not tell him. Firstly, I had not actually sold the ring to a pawn shop. It is in its original box in my room at this very moment. I have not legally promised it to anyone else. As I see it, however, the ring is effectively no longer mine to do with as I please; it has been that way since the commencement of the Plan. Secondly, I did not tell Perscheux what I planned to do with the ring. Well yes, I wanted to sell it, to a pawn shop or elsewhere, but what then? I did not tell him about the Plan, and naturally, I cannot describe the Plan here, because it involves Évariste.
It is true that I am selling the ring (and many other things he gave me) for a "profit"—relative to my not having received the ring at all, that is. However, Perscheux was wrong in that I am not keeping the profits for myself. In the end, in fact, he might actually reap a very small indirect benefit from the profits, a type of benefit that he would not be able to obtain from simply having a ring or however much money he would get for it. (Admittedly, the magnitude of this indirect benefit that I will reap will be greater, but not by much.)
Furthermore, I did not enter into a relationship with Perscheux with the objective of obtaining this profit, as much as he did not enter into a relationship with me with the objective of obtaining help with his AP US History grade. We both invested what we chose to invest and lost what we were bound to lose when the relationship ended. Should I therefore stalk him down and ask for my presents for him back? For my hundreds of hours of wasted effort? For a revocation of his 4.03 junior year GPA that was largely my doing?
So no, I believe I did not lie, and that I am not making a moral error here. Feel free to suggest otherwise, however. And as far as what Perscheux can do to me? We'll see. Ce qui sera, sera.
In fact, this is all about the Plan. I have wanted to get rid of the ring ever since I dumped Perscheux, and if he had asked for it back before I came up with the Plan, I probably would have given it to him. But now I have a better use for that ring.
I have a new goal now, a worthy one. And if Perscheux wants to interpret it as profiteering, then why doesn't he go pick a fight—or a duel—with a windmill?
Ainsi soit-il.
An end and a beginning: reflections on 2008
Je commence avec une fin.
2008 is drawing to a close, as all years tend to do. Before consigning this year to memory, I go back to before its inception. I read and reread the first entry in the diary I started on 31 December 2007 and reflect.
I open this book with an end and a beginning.
In less than half a day, 2007 will end and 2008 will begin. The implications of this end and this beginning, even discounting the numerous errors of "2007" I will make in my writing, will be momentous. 2008 will be a year to remember; this I can confidently say even before it has begun. 2008 will be the year of my majority. 2008 will be the year when I graduate from high school and enter college. 2008 will be the year when I leave my parents. With a bit of luck (okay, maybe more than a bit), 2008 will be the year in which I get my driver's licence. 2008 will be the year in which I first visit my adopted European motherland. The Class of 2008. The 2008 Olympics in Beijing. 2008, 2008, 2008. Novelty, beginnings, change.
359 days later, it appears that I was right on all these counts. (Apparently, I didn't have enough luck to get that licence.) But this result is to be expected. After all, that passage was a dramatic and perhaps even artful bit of writing, but hardly an extraordinary prophecy. Yes, I turned 18 (was time supposed to stop?). Yes, I went to college (was I really going to flunk 12th grade?). Yes, the Olympic Games happened (perhaps the opening ceremony boycotts would have caused Beijing to capitulate?). 2008 was momentous in all of these ways, but hardly unexpectedly.
Which leads me to ask myself, what happened that I didn't predict?
I didn't predict that an earthquake would devastate Sichuan. I didn't predict that I'd end up at UVA. I didn't predict that CHEM 181 would change my life.
I certainly didn't predict that I would have a miserable year.
Because when I average out the elation of the past month with the rest of the year, the truth stands that 2008 was not a good year. I spent a large fraction of it—about one month—in tears. For almost 90% of the year, I passionately worked towards something that yielded no fruit. By the time I recognised that I was living a lie, it was the 327th day.
On 31 December 2007, I also made predictions about what would remain the same in my life. One of these predictions was that I would be living this lie forever (at the time, of course, I did not know, or would not admit, that it was a lie).
Thank goodness I dumped Perscheux d'Herbinville for Évariste Galois.
Some of my other predictions of this sort turned out to be more accurate:
Yet as certain as I am that so much will change, I am just as certain that so much will stay the same.... My connections with my best friends, Alex and Kaamila, will remain strong. Whatever new obsession I may pick up, LotR, earthquakes, weather, haematology, [and] French will always occupy a special place in my heart. And though I might not remain Estelle Vera Romana Ingrid Raleigh de Laurent, my Trans-European Chinese identity, my extroverted introversion, my eager reluctance, my befuddled brilliance, that bag of contradictions, will last a lifetime.
Indeed, I am no longer Estelle Vera Romana Ingrid Raleigh de Laurent. But I do believe that I am finally true to myself. I am no longer the self-sacrificial saviour of someone beyond salvation. I am no longer involved in an unequal exchange that involves trading freedom for disappointment. I am simply an 18-year-old étudiante with an affinity for light, a taste for liberty, a fondness for learning, and a passion for life. And I happen to be in love. (See? The best things in life do start with L!)
So I think that for 2009, I'll skip the empty self-fulfilling predictions, no matter how momentous they may be. I'll skip the precise resolutions too, and just say this line from my favourite Faudel song:
Je veux vivre sans jamais me trahir
... and let every season recolour my passions. I am ready for a new dawn. Let 2009 be... happy.
2008 is drawing to a close, as all years tend to do. Before consigning this year to memory, I go back to before its inception. I read and reread the first entry in the diary I started on 31 December 2007 and reflect.
I open this book with an end and a beginning.
In less than half a day, 2007 will end and 2008 will begin. The implications of this end and this beginning, even discounting the numerous errors of "2007" I will make in my writing, will be momentous. 2008 will be a year to remember; this I can confidently say even before it has begun. 2008 will be the year of my majority. 2008 will be the year when I graduate from high school and enter college. 2008 will be the year when I leave my parents. With a bit of luck (okay, maybe more than a bit), 2008 will be the year in which I get my driver's licence. 2008 will be the year in which I first visit my adopted European motherland. The Class of 2008. The 2008 Olympics in Beijing. 2008, 2008, 2008. Novelty, beginnings, change.
359 days later, it appears that I was right on all these counts. (Apparently, I didn't have enough luck to get that licence.) But this result is to be expected. After all, that passage was a dramatic and perhaps even artful bit of writing, but hardly an extraordinary prophecy. Yes, I turned 18 (was time supposed to stop?). Yes, I went to college (was I really going to flunk 12th grade?). Yes, the Olympic Games happened (perhaps the opening ceremony boycotts would have caused Beijing to capitulate?). 2008 was momentous in all of these ways, but hardly unexpectedly.
Which leads me to ask myself, what happened that I didn't predict?
I didn't predict that an earthquake would devastate Sichuan. I didn't predict that I'd end up at UVA. I didn't predict that CHEM 181 would change my life.
I certainly didn't predict that I would have a miserable year.
Because when I average out the elation of the past month with the rest of the year, the truth stands that 2008 was not a good year. I spent a large fraction of it—about one month—in tears. For almost 90% of the year, I passionately worked towards something that yielded no fruit. By the time I recognised that I was living a lie, it was the 327th day.
On 31 December 2007, I also made predictions about what would remain the same in my life. One of these predictions was that I would be living this lie forever (at the time, of course, I did not know, or would not admit, that it was a lie).
Thank goodness I dumped Perscheux d'Herbinville for Évariste Galois.
Some of my other predictions of this sort turned out to be more accurate:
Yet as certain as I am that so much will change, I am just as certain that so much will stay the same.... My connections with my best friends, Alex and Kaamila, will remain strong. Whatever new obsession I may pick up, LotR, earthquakes, weather, haematology, [and] French will always occupy a special place in my heart. And though I might not remain Estelle Vera Romana Ingrid Raleigh de Laurent, my Trans-European Chinese identity, my extroverted introversion, my eager reluctance, my befuddled brilliance, that bag of contradictions, will last a lifetime.
Indeed, I am no longer Estelle Vera Romana Ingrid Raleigh de Laurent. But I do believe that I am finally true to myself. I am no longer the self-sacrificial saviour of someone beyond salvation. I am no longer involved in an unequal exchange that involves trading freedom for disappointment. I am simply an 18-year-old étudiante with an affinity for light, a taste for liberty, a fondness for learning, and a passion for life. And I happen to be in love. (See? The best things in life do start with L!)
So I think that for 2009, I'll skip the empty self-fulfilling predictions, no matter how momentous they may be. I'll skip the precise resolutions too, and just say this line from my favourite Faudel song:
Je veux vivre sans jamais me trahir
... and let every season recolour my passions. I am ready for a new dawn. Let 2009 be... happy.
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