I am reminded of when, at the beginning of sixth grade, my class made time capsules. On the last week of school, when my teacher retrieved them from the closet, I exclaimed loudly, "Wow! I completely forgot about those!" The whole class looked at me as if to say, Duh! That's what's supposed to happen! Then a classmate revealed that on 7 Sept 2001, she had written, "I am concerned about the threat of international terrorism," and we all regarded her as one would regard a prophet.
I had not forgotten about this letter, however—far from it. On 2 Jan 2008, my English teacher had given us an assignment to write a letter to ourselves. Without reading them, she would stow them away for a year and send them to us "at the end of 2008, around Christmastime, when you are all home for winter break".
I took this assignment very seriously, since I love the idea of writing down memories to be preserved and read later (which is also why I am blogging). And ever since the beginning of winter holidays I have been waiting on the arrival of my letters. I say letters because I had also asked Perscheux to write a letter to me, which was sealed unread inside the envelope along with my own letter. Double the anticipation.
First, my own letter:
2 ianuarie 2008 1348 EST
Well, well, well. Who knew that the next time I'd put a journal header on a page, it wouldn't be in my journal? You know, I'm gonna remember exactly what I wrote a year from now, because I always do... Interdite has helped my memory quite a bit, and I am both happy and sad I terminated it. Happy, because I saved a lot of time during the college app season, and sad, because I really treasure written memories (which is why I like this assignment). Therefore, just as I promised myself, I began my new journal with the new year: titled in Romanian, un sfârşit şi un început. I really hope I maintain this journal for many years...
Anyway, since I was so melodramatic in the first usşuî entry, even though I didn't title it "Death", I'll leave off some of the melodrama here. Firstly I'll talk about college, since that is going to be the major change over the next year. In all honesty, I predict I'll get into UVA, UMD, UNC, Cornell, Duke, and either Princeton or Harvard. I really hope I'll get into either Princeton or Harvard because I want to go to one of those. Of course, Princeton is preferred because of the tiger mascot. Then again, Harvard is closer to MIT...
Which brings me to my second point: Perscheux. I believe that in December 2008, our relationship will still be as strong as ever, although I'm not saying that our separation for long periods of time won't be a strain. But coming home for winter break and seeing him again should make everything perfect... I hope we keep in touch through IM, and that my chat log contines to wildly eclipse André's. Also, I really hope to institute the letter-writing system (hehe, how ironic), and I wonder if I'll be using lines from Voltaj songs like such:
Azi a fost cald şi soare, dar nu-n inima mea
Şi dimineaţa mi s-a părut că aud vocea ta
Nu ştiu cum să fac să nu mai fi aşa de dor
Şi îţi scriu aceste rânduri sperând că timpul va trece mai uşor.
Then again, by that time, I'll probably find new Romanian songs to emo about. But Voltaj, O-Zone, and Deşteaptă-te, române! will always hold a special place in my heart, just like L'Internationale and Faudel. I also want to soot that Eu cu mine music video, although I don't think that'll happen this year... Okay, getting off-topic, what a surprise... Anyway, I hope Perscheux will continue to be the light in my life, for this year and forever...
[break between days]
As for my current state of mind and state of being: I have just resolved an issue involving Perscheux and grades and schoolwork. It was pretty painful last night and this morning, but it doesn't hurt anymore... And I can see that Perscheux really loves me and would do anything for me...
As for my random obsessions, the current major one is Romanian. Da, limba română. Este o limbă foarte frumoasă pe care o învăţ. Şi Perscheux m-ajută mult. I hope that in a year I'll be able to speak/write/read/understand Romanian as well as I can do the same with French right now. I also hope my French will contine to improve. As for other obsessions that might come along, who knows?... Only time will tell.
On a more national scale, the Iowa Caucuses are taking place as I write. I predict a narrow Clinton win, though nobody agrees with me. I also predict that Clinton will become president in 2009, though I would change that prediction to whichever Republican fool is nominated if it turns out that Obama, not Clinton, wins the Democratic primaries. I really don't think Obama can win; he's too liberal... Blah. I'm not a very political person anyway, so let's get away from these matters...
Let's see what I'm looking forward to this year...
- Going to France
- Getting college admission letters
- Seeing a Democrat get elected as president
- Going to China/Olympics 2008
- Going to college (see below)
- Hanging out with Perscheux
- Going back to my internship across from White Flint
- Schoolwork
- Duke interview/other interviews
- Going to college...
Au revoir
La revedere
Auf Wiedersehen
再见
Goodbye—
Estelle Vera Romana Ingrid Raleigh de Laurent
1959 EST
3 ianuarie 2008
I was correct in that a year after the fact, I did remember a large part of what I had written. Even before receiving the letter, I knew I had been wrong about Princeton and Harvard, and I remembered that I had taken some lines from "Scrisoare". And it's a given that I wrote mushy stuff about Perscheux. The only real surprise was my political predictions, which were mistaken on as many counts as they could have been mistaken.
Therefore, I awaited Perscheux's letter with much more anticipation. I wondered what he would have written if he knew that I would not read it until a year later. I wondered if he had despaired of our relationship long before he revealed it to me. Most of all, I wondered if his words would provide some insight into his true character, that is, his closed-mindedness, apathy, immaturity, and instability that I had unearthed throughout the course of 2008, but which was mostly unknown to me as of the first week of the year.
Well, here's the letter.
Dear Stéphanie-Felice,
It is 0246 on the 4th of January 2007. After agonising for quite a period of time about what to write and coming up with no answer, I've decided to just write and see what happens. As you're not going to be reading this for a while, and certainly (hopefully?) after I'll somehow resolve thsi emotional and schoolwork crisis, I can tell you what I can't in te present.
It terrifies me to think about the emotional wounds I have inflicted upon you recently. I did not mean for any of this to happen and I certainly don't want it to happen again. However, there is a side of me that you're not seeing: I don't trust myself anymore. Why do I not "take more initiative"? Because I don't feel that any of the initiatives I could take are any good. As I'm writing this letter, I'm also contemplating ripping it up and writing it from scratch.
Yes, I have flaws. I procrastinate, I'm messy, I lose things, I get pushed around by my family. This night I was slow at taking hints, oblivious, and rather detached. Yet how can I fix any of this if I have lost hope in my being able to do so? That hope, that knowledge that I could do something right, vanished along with my misconceptions about my maths grade. It left as the fear of disappointing you appeared. Your trust in me became a temporary replacement for mine. When I inadvertently hurt you, and your trust in me was shaken, I was left with nothing. How can I organise my stuff and my life when I don't believe anything can come of it? How can I do better in school, no matter how much I want to, if I don't think myself capable?
This is why I need you! If it were not for you, I probably would have done something drastic (to my grades, especially). I would have given up long ago, maybe even on life, as it seems so ill-fitting to me.
Anyway, it's 0345 now. The night is too short. I have another letter to write to you, one not so open and unworried by immediate reading and judgement.
Here's to happier days and maybe a time when I respect myself for who I am.
And don't forget: no matter the difficulties we go through, there is one constant: I love you.
I hope you're having fun at Princeton!
Love,
Perscheux
So it appears that my musings on the content of his letter were almost clairvoyant. I recognise the despair, the apathy, the resignation, and the dangerously unstable je vis pour toi attitude. In fact, as I read and reread his letter, I begin to fully appreciate just how similar Ernest and Perscheux were, even though Perscheux had vowed above all never to be like Ernest. Ernest had said that he believed himself incapable of making an effort, of making a difference in himself. Do I hear an echo of those words here? More than an echo perhaps?
Perhaps Perscheux one day will learn to respect himself for who he is, without need for false devoutness, scapegoats, or self-righteousness. Perhaps one day he will live for the beautiful things in life, and not for false beliefs, false perceptions, and false love. Perhaps when he acquires true self-respect, this life will not seem so ill-fitting.
I think I can finally file Perscheux away into the deep archives of my memory. In the meantime, here's to my friends, to my family, to Évariste, and to all that is beautiful in life.
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